The social reality of getting sober

I spent a lot of time like this in the early days of recovery

For me, early recovery was a very lonely time.  I needed more support than ever, but my previous support network quickly slipped away when my alcoholism became common knowledge.  The truth is, most people don’t know the first thing about supporting someone in crisis unless they have been through it themselves.  And I was definitely in crisis.  All aspects of my life had imploded all at once. Career, marriage, friendships and family.  I was fixated on my previous life, and all I wanted was to get it back.   Even though I no longer wanted my former marriage and career, once they were gone and there was nothing to take their place, panic set in.  I had most definitely been the “bad guy” as far as the outside world was concerned, so the friends I had had while married were firmly in my ex-husband’s camp.  People love to hate addicts, and no one really takes the time to ask what had caused the drinking/using in the first place.   Since I had no idea what to do or where to direct my focus anymore, for a while I tried to get my old job back.  Even though I hated it.  Shit is warm, as the expression goes.  This was an extremely self-destructive mindset, and I was in and out of sobriety for a year and a half because I couldn’t let go of many aspects of my old life.  After all, I had spent a lot of time, energy and money going to law school, building a network, and trying to make that doomed marriage work.  The inability to let go of my old toxic life and move on kept me in an awful cycle of blackout drunk followed by weeks of sobriety and remorse, only to repeat again.   And unfortunately, the people I gravitated toward during this time were also stuck in the same toxic purgatory.

It wasn’t until I slowly started to attend meetings regularly and open up to the other alcoholics that I finally started to get my feet under me.  I learned why “Let it Go” is such a popular saying in recovery circles.  Whereas my old “BFFs” would no longer give me the time of day, a group of ladies I met five minutes ago were willing to go to lunch with me and talk.   This is why 12-step meetings were so critical to me – my old social network didn’t have the energy to deal with someone in crisis but other people in recovery were more than willing to show me the roadmap they used to get out of purgatory.  Because they had been there too and wanted to help.  One of the first things a friend I met in recovery ever said to me was “If you stay sober, we will do anything for you.”  And they did.  They gave me a network that supported me on my worst days, as long as I stayed sober.  There were some days when I was exhausted and upset and didn’t want to talk to anyone, and they supported me anyway.  There were days when I wanted to talk and annoyingly kept repeating the same things because I was still trying to process it, and they supported me anyway.  They taught me to grieve the loss of my old life so I could move on.   I had been stuck in the “bargaining” phase of grief for over a year without realizing it, and it kept me from moving forward.    When I started working the steps with a sponsor, it became clear that my previous life was never what I wanted, it was just all I knew.   And at the time I didn’t have the courage to try to break free and try something new. 

Today, I have very few friends, but they are as good as it gets.  And they are all in recovery.  There is no happy ending or tearful reunion with my friends from my old life, I have never heard from any of them, and I’ve been sober for seven and a half years.  But recovery has helped build a life that is much healthier now.   When it comes down to it, my previous circle were all just posh drinking buddies.  Lots of fun when we were all drinking together, but very little substance.  (Clearly not to be relied on in a crisis!)  Many years ago, about a year into my sobriety, I went on a social media cull from hundreds of “friends” to under 50.     Crisis, trauma, and recovery have reshaped the way I see the world, and have given me a new algorithm for determining someone’s place in my life.   Solely fun and flashy are no longer of any use to me.   And in fact, recovery has helped me be so comfortable in my skin that the approval of others is no longer something I seek, and that provides an amazing freedom.   Back when I was seeking everyone’s approval, I inadvertently gave them the most incredible power over me.  I was basically a puppet.  Now that I am not seeking anyone’s approval, I am free to be my quirky self.   Now that I lead a much happier, healthier life I seem to attract others with similar values (and also quirky AF).  And I still do what I can to help others in crisis find a way out, because I know that a new life is possible even when things seem hopeless and horribly lonely.