Getting Sober for Yourself?

I think most people have heard the following advice: “you can’t get sober for someone else, you have to get sober for yourself.”  If you’ve read my other posts, you know how I feel about generalized advice – usually "yes...but...."   Recovery is such a personal and very intimate process that there is no one rule that applies to all of us.   My experience was that I needed special people and a defined goal to get me truly invested in the recovery process.

In the height of my addiction, I was a miserable and hopeless person.  I was recently divorced, had lost my beloved dog, alienated all my friends, and my family’s method of dealing with unpleasant situations was to ignore them.  Even though my divorce was what I wanted, being completely alone after being with someone for so long took some getting used to.  Unfortunately, as an addict, I didn’t have the emotional capacity or capability of grieving these things properly and in a healthy way.   I just drank myself into blackouts, so I didn’t have to feel it.  When I finally entered rehab, I felt like I had nothing to live for.  I was clinging to aspects of my past because it was all I knew, even though every bit of my past was toxic. (Shit is warm!)   In rehab, I got a small reprieve from the real world to try to get my feet under me.  It was nice not having to worry about the basics of life like food shopping, cooking, cleaning, etc.   I was immersed in a group of people who all understood what I was going through and were all in various stages of their own personal apocalypses.  I learned many different tools for combatting addiction, which proved invaluable later in my recovery, but at that time it wasn’t enough. 

Even though that first stint in rehab changed the course of my life forever, I did not stay sober when I left.  While I am a firm believer in rehab, it wasn’t enough without anything in my life to stay sober for.  I wasn’t exactly suicidal, but there was definitely a time when I didn’t care if I lived or died.  And with this frame of mind, there was no way I was going to stay sober.   When I left the warm, safe environment of rehab and returned to a world that was exactly as miserable as it was when I left, it didn’t take long for hopelessness to return.   And this began a year and a half of a horrific sobriety-relapse cycle that almost killed me.  For me, staying sober exclusively for myself was not possible because addiction and multiple life failures had convinced me my life didn't matter. 

It wasn’t until God put someone special in my life that things started to turn around.  I’m sure you have heard that starting a relationship in early recovery is not a good idea, and sometimes, yes, the results are disastrous.  However, I am blessed to know a number of happily married couples whose journeys together and in recovery were intertwined.  My husband and I actually met during that first rehab stint, but outside of cordial pleasantries we were both so immersed in our own personal hells that we didn’t notice each other in that way.   However, our rehab “class” all had a social media page together in an attempt to continue to support each other after rehab.   Months later, we had all planned to meet up for a movie together, and my now-husband and I were the only ones who showed up.  Thus began a tumultuous year of trying to cultivate a relationship and recovery at the same time.  It was not easy, and definitely had some moments that were disastrous, because both of us were in and out of sobriety.  It ultimately became clear that in order to have a real relationship, we needed to take a step back.   We both went to detox, and then I moved out into a sober living house for six months.  This proved to be the turning point in my life and my sobriety journey.   For the first time, I had a multitude of recovery tools at my disposal AND a desire to start a new life.   

After I left the sober living house, I moved back in with my now-husband.  Our first year of sobriety together was extremely difficult.  My step-kids had seen me at my absolute worst and understandably had no interest in building a future with me.   There were definitely times when I considered throwing in the relationship towel and moving on, because it was at times unbearably difficult.   But I had seen glimpses of a life that I wanted to build, so I kept putting one foot in front of the other.  Day after excruciating day.  I went to meetings and met with my sponsor regularly.  I made amends to the relevant individuals, and for the first time ensured my actions corresponded with the words.  I started behaving like the person I wanted to be, and ever so slowly the people in my life started to trust me.   Fast-forward seven years and I now have the family I always wanted, including a great relationship with my sober husband and step-kids and an amazing biological child.  Those first few years of building a foundation of trust were blood, sweat, and lots of tears - but I stayed sober and kept going.

If I had to get sober just for myself without the motivation of a real family, I’m pretty sure it wouldn’t have happened.  Yes, it is me to has to do all the hard work and internal renovations, but I needed to be motivated by something external - my desire for a family.   Everyone is different, but getting sober for myself wasn’t going to happen, and it took getting sober for the family I wanted to achieve lasting recovery.  The question I get asked a lot is what would happen if tragedy struck and/or family fell apart - would I still stay sober? The answer is yes, because I fully embraced recovery and allowed it to transform me. I am no longer the same person who lacked confidence and self-worth, and recovery has given me the tools to stay sober through extremely hard times. I always encourage newcomers to lean in to whatever gives you motivation just to get in the doors, and then stay long enough to build a strong, new version of yourself that can do this life thing independently. So yes, in my experience, getting sober for someone else can absolutely be part of a long-term recovery strategy - as long as it is used as a tool and not a final goal.